Boxscore
| Game Summary (Earl Schmidt, NetFL Press) When I was a young lad, I once electrocuted the dog with a toaster. My father, as angered as an environmentalist stuck in a room full of Bolivian slash-n-burn agriculturalists, told me to retrieve our last jar of dried beef. He then pushed me over to our hairdresser's house and taught me the meaning of life. Even now, twenty-six years later, the terror of that day lives on. I bring this up because the similarities between what happened to me then and what happened to SC today are the same. SRS has repelled SC like a mink that suddenly finds that a family of mice has taken up residence in her den, whipping them by the tune of 122-0 in front of a jeering and hostile crowd. SRS leads the all-time series 14-9 against SC. SRS has a 11-1 regular season record. SC has a 7-5 regular season record. Daunte Culpepper blathered, "Whoa... we got our backends handed to us today and that's for sure. Coach is steering us toward a high draft pick and a wasted season. I can only hope that he trades me to someone capable of winning before my career ends." Eli Manning considered this when he said, "Oh fo real, man. Ya see, I is da real thing. Dose drops, man. Dat weren't my fault, dawg. Th playa wuz trowing too hard and I run the wrong play jus so's he can't find me. No sense me breakin' my assets, man... No sense me making it on 'Jacked Up' or nothin'. No matter... I be back, bro. Expect numba ME to grab up 60 scores this season, yo. Dem otha's, man? I gonna steal the show. They's amateurs spelt wit a capital E." Things went very well for the SRS squad on both sides of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 477 points, 340 on offense and 137 on defense. Brett Favre with 60 points on offense and Gerald Hayes with 18 points on defense were the top scorers. However, they were far from perfect. Said Coach/GM Allen Cummings, "There were some mental breakdowns on both sides of the ball.. For one, Erik Pears played about as well as a frog pithed by an epileptic first-grader. Doc says that he's gotten much better since he's started the electroshock therapy... something about frontal lobes and things with molecular structures. It all sounded very clinical to me, but as long as it keeps him on the field, I'm all for it. As for those OG/OT? They showed their ineptitude by amassing absolutely nothing throughout the course of their pitiful performance. Overall though, the team goat in this game was Samson Satele. His horrible effort yielded precious little to praise. In the end, these men are kinda like my kids. As any parent knows, from time to time, you just can't always get through to them without getting creative..." Says Samson Satele, dragging around a cart full of dirty laundry, "Coach says he'll find a use for me in this system if it kills us both. Yo, just gimme a little slack, man. But this, goin' from starter not even to the bench... I'm bein' disrespected!" Tye Hill added, "I ain't sayin' nothin'... OK, maybe just a little. Dude's even worse here than on the field. Starching everyone's straps? Using so much bleach it dissolves the danged cotton? I'm almost at the point where I want to go into Coach's doghouse just so I can get some properly handled laundry!" "Dem's fightin' woids!": Fuel was added to the fire during the two teams' post game news conferences. Allen Cummings said, "That owner of theirs kinda reminds me of a Matt Millen and Michael Jackson hybrid... all bluster, melting face, questionable personal tastes... not exactly the kind of person I'd invite to my child's birthday party." In response, the SC coach groaned, "I'm not saying that this is true, mind you, but I'm not saying it isn't. I heard tell that that owner of theirs has been kidnapping small children and selling them on the Chinese black market. Do I respect him? Does anyone?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||