Boxscore
| Game Summary (Earl Schmidt, NetFL Press) When I was a young lad, I once electrocuted the dog with a toaster. My father, as angered as an environmentalist stuck in a room full of Bolivian slash-n-burn agriculturalists, told me to retrieve the meat grinder. He then pushed me to the dentist office and came up with at least fourteen uses for said device that I'd never contemplated. That was the day that I lost my left arm. I bring this up because the similarities between what happened to me then and what happened to WLR today are the same. SRS has repelled WLR like a mink that suddenly finds that a family of mice has taken up residence in her den, blitzing them by the tune of 70-13 in front of a jeering and hostile crowd. SRS leads the all-time series 14-0 against WLR. SRS has a 2-0 regular season record. WLR has a 1-1 regular season record. Anquan Boldin grumbled, "To say that we stunk would be unfair to skunks and unwashed monks, man. We were awful today! Do you see us getting any better in time for the next game, 'cause I sure don't. The guys played with no fire, the coaching was flat, and the playcalling was atrocious. Our execution? Yeah, I'm for it." Travis LaBoy shot, "I still can't believe that I've got this awesome gig, man. I mean, here I am, a player without talent earning millions of dollars to lose a game and look like a geriatric clown trying to do a birthday party for four-year-olds. You ain't gonna write this and get me in trouble, are you?" Things went very well for the SRS squad particularly on the offensive side of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 410 points, 287 on offense and 123 on defense. Brandon Marshall with 48 points on offense and Brett Kern with 17 points on defense were the top scorers. However, they were far from perfect. Said Coach/GM Allen Cummings, "We had a few breakdowns. . For one, Ryan Pickett played about as well as a frog pithed by an epileptic first-grader. Doc says that if he spent a little more time working off the flubber in his midsection than 'clubbing' and getting fat on the buck-a-bucket combo at the KFC, well, his medical list wouldn't read like a copy of 'War and Peace'. Back in my day, 'clubbing' was something untoward that you did to baby seals . As for those TEs? The Doc's been looking into a revolutionary new surgery - replace their hands with anything - stickum, chicken claws, even bricks would be an improvement. I mean, they drops balls as if they were live ferrets. The most deficient player in this game was Gerris Wilkinson. His pitiful effort yielded an expletive-laden outburst from me, I must admit. In the end, these men are kinda like my kids. As any parent knows, from time to time, you just can't always get through to them without getting creative..." Says Gerris Wilkinson, sporting a nice lace evening gown, "Ya, coach says I played like a little girl so I might as well dress the part. I hafta practice in this thing. He calls me the fairy princess. Man, I'm callin my agent. This ain't parta the deal." David Harris added, "Shoot... he should know he can't fit in no D-cup! I tell ya, he looked like some sort of demented, bloated Valkyrie... Man... brings new meaning to the phrase 'when the fat lady sings.' " There's no love lost between these two clubs. Allen Cummings grumbled, "Oh, they're harmless... a bit annoying too, I guess... Kinda remind me of Barney or Big Bird..." In response, the WLR coach said, "He's beaten us a few times, but then again, he had to sell his soul to do so... a shrivelled-up, nasty little shell of a thing to begin with. No moral fiber at all, that one." | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||