Boxscore
| Game Summary (Earl Schmidt, NetFL Press) When I was a young lad, I once tossed my sister's Barbie doll collection into a corn thrasher. My father, as enraged as an elementary school janitor fresh out of Vomit-be-Gone, told me to retrieve the leftover turkey. He then coerced me onto the kitchen table and lectured me on my error in judgement. Even now, I walk with a considerable limp. I bring this up because the similarities between what happened to me then and what happened to MHD today are the same. DS bludgeoning MHD as though they were palace eunuchs in a wrestling match, topping them by the tune of 45-21 in front of a jeering and hostile crowd. DS leads the all-time series 9-3 against MHD. DS has a 1-4 regular season record. MHD has a 2-3 regular season record. Ben Roethlisberger shot, "At least we weren't as bad as those '02 Flathead Cats... Yo, I'm trying to put a positive spin on this if you catch my drift. Gosh... we're hopeless." Brian Waters groaned, "I still can't believe that I've got this awesome gig, man. I mean, here I am, a player without talent earning millions of dollars to lose a game and look like a geriatric clown trying to do a birthday party for four-year-olds. You ain't gonna write this and get me in trouble, are you?" Things went very well for the DS squad even though they did not excel on either side of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 299 points, 174 on offense and 125 on defense. Brandon Jacobs with 30 points on offense and Gary Brackett with 17 points on defense were the top scorers. However, they were far from perfect. Said Coach/GM Jeffrey Leiss, "There were some mental breakdowns on both sides of the ball.. For one, Matt Hasselbeck kinda languished a bit out there. Doc says that if he spent a little more time working off the flubber in his midsection than 'clubbing' and getting fat on the buck-a-bucket combo at the KFC, well, his medical list wouldn't read like a copy of 'War and Peace'. Back in my day, 'clubbing' was something untoward that you did to baby seals . As for those OST? They were utterly incompetent, gaining 5 Kickoff returns, 107 Kickoff return yardage, 21.4 Kickoff return average throughout the course of their pitiful performance. Overall though, the Don't Euthanize After Disaster award - given to one blundering fool each week - was really difficult to decide on this go around. I promise the poor slob that I won't be taking away his livelihood. This week, the DEAD man in this game was Reed Doughty. His grotesque effort yielded a resigned sigh from his teammates. In the end, these men are kinda like my kids. As any parent knows, from time to time, you just can't always get through to them without getting creative..." Says Reed Doughty, sporting a nice lace evening gown, "Ya, coach says I played like a little girl so I might as well dress the part. I hafta practice in this thing. He calls me the fairy princess. Man, I'm callin my agent. This ain't parta the deal." Jacques Reeves added, "Shoot... he should know he can't fit in no D-cup! I tell ya, he looked like some sort of demented, bloated Valkyrie... Man... brings new meaning to the phrase 'when the fat lady sings.' " "Dem's fightin' woids!": Fuel was added to the fire during the two teams' post game news conferences. Jeffrey Leiss grumbled, "Thinking about them forces me to draw parallels between them and the Bulgarians." He was quick to add, "Erm, the Byzantine Empire had to deal with those clods... made themselves quite a nuisance 'til Basil crushed 'em and cut their eyes out - well, he left a couple of 'em with one eye so's they could guide the others home. I can't help but think that motivations such as that would help their cause." In response, the MHD coach shot, "Let's see... something nice to say? Well, they're not the most repugnant team out there, but that's kinda like saying that Shockey isn't as annoying as that Owens clown." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||