Boxscore
| Game Summary (Earl Schmidt, NetFL Press) When I was a young lad, I once electrocuted the dog with a toaster. My father, as unhappy as a politician running for re-election while in the midst of another scandal, told me to retrieve a stick of dynamite. He then ordered me behind the shed and pummeled me within inches of my life. That was the day that I lost my left arm. I bring this up because the similarities between what happened to me then and what happened to SC today are the same. AW has repelled SC like a bloated spider engorging on the tender underbelly of a common house fly, overcoming their foes by the tune of 78-0 in front of a jeering and hostile crowd. AW leads the all-time series 2-1 against SC. AW has a 5-1 regular season record. SC has a 1-5 regular season record. Alex Smith gurgled, "Offensively, we saved our best for last, which is the best thing I can say for us. Heck, who am I kidding, man? Our best sucked." JaMarcus Russell shot, "No comment." When pressed, he added, "Get out of my face, man... I don't want to get fined for shoving that there microphone in a deep, dark crevass on your person if you catch my drift." They were almost perfect on the AW squad particularly on the offensive side of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 344 points, 238 on offense and 106 on defense. Drew Brees with 58 points on offense and Tim Jennings with 21 points on defense were the top scorers. Things were not all roses, however. Said Coach/GM Tim Shoemaker, "We had a few breakdowns. . For one, Miles Austin played about as well as a frog pithed by an epileptic first-grader. Doc says that he's gotten much better since he's started the electroshock therapy... something about frontal lobes and things with molecular structures. It all sounded very clinical to me, but as long as it keeps him on the field, I'm all for it. As for those DST? They were utterly incompetent, gaining 3 Punt returns defended, 47 Defended punt return yardage, 15.667 Defended punt return average, 2 Defended kickoff returns, 50 Defended kickoff return yardage, 25 Defended kickoff return average throughout the course of their pitiful performance. Overall though, the Doc's been looking into a revolutionary new surgery - replace his hands with anything - stickum, chicken claws, even bricks would be an improvement. I mean, he drops balls as if they were live ferrets. in this game was Adam Carriker. His awful effort yielded precious little to praise. In the end, these men are kinda like my kids. As any parent knows, from time to time, you just can't always get through to them without getting creative..." Says Adam Carriker, pouring out of a far-too-tight yellow bikini, "I have nothing to say about this." James Sanders added, "Words fail me... got it? I ain't had a single night's sleep since coach made that call last Monday, man. I keep waking up screaming. I mean dang, man... time to put some time on the thigh-master." Though the game was already decided on the field, apparently neither team was done. Tim Shoemaker waxed poetic, stating, "Thinking about them forces me to draw parallels between them and the Bulgarians." He was quick to add, "Erm, the Byzantine Empire had to deal with those clods... made themselves quite a nuisance 'til Basil crushed 'em and cut their eyes out - well, he left a couple of 'em with one eye so's they could guide the others home. I can't help but think that motivations such as that would help their cause." In response, the SC coach quipped, "Oh, they're harmless... a bit annoying too, I guess... Kinda remind me of Barney or Big Bird..." | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||