Boxscore
| Game Summary (Earl Schmidt, NetFL Press) When I was a young lad, I once tossed my sister's Barbie doll collection into a corn thrasher. My father, as apoplectic as a TV evangelist being audited by the IRS, told me to retrieve a willow switch. He then shoved me next to the firing range and lectured me on my error in judgement. To this day, I still wet my pants whenever I think of that memory. I bring this up because the similarities between what happened to me then and what happened to SC today are the same. SRS pulverizing SC as though they were naught but a group of frenchmen on the battlefield, topping them by the tune of 181-0 in front of a jeering and hostile crowd. SRS leads the all-time series 20-9 against SC. SRS has a 11-1 regular season record. SC has a 2-10 regular season record. Ben Roethlisberger noted, "How about that offense, huh? Theirs, I mean, not ours. I pulled myself 'cause I didn't want to go in there and make anything worse.Yeah, this is going to be the nature of our team." Leodis McKelvin droned, "I still can't believe that I've got this awesome gig, man. I mean, here I am, a player without talent earning millions of dollars to lose a game and look like a geriatric clown trying to do a birthday party for four-year-olds. You ain't gonna write this and get me in trouble, are you?" They were almost perfect on the SRS squad on both sides of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 477 points, 312 on offense and 165 on defense. Aaron Rodgers with 58 points on offense and Glover Quin with 31 points on defense were the top scorers. However, they were far from perfect. Said Coach/GM Allen Cummings, "Sure, I'm a bit concerned about a few things.. For one, Jonathan Goodwin performed like a spasmodic violinist. Doc says that if he spent a little more time working off the flubber in his midsection than 'clubbing' and getting fat on the buck-a-bucket combo at the KFC, well, his medical list wouldn't read like a copy of 'War and Peace'. Back in my day, 'clubbing' was something untoward that you did to baby seals . As for those OST? They showed all the football grace of ballerinas as they filled the record book with 1 Punt return, -2 Punt return yardage, -2 Punt return average, 7 Kickoff returns, 115 Kickoff return yardage, 16.429 Kickoff return average throughout the course of their pitiful performance. Overall though, the Doc's been looking into a revolutionary new surgery - replace his hands with anything - stickum, chicken claws, even bricks would be an improvement. I mean, he drops balls as if they were live ferrets. in this game was Artis Hicks. His pitiful effort yielded nothing but the scorn of his teammates. In the end, these men are kinda like my kids. As any parent knows, from time to time, you just can't always get through to them without getting creative..." Says Artis Hicks, pouring out of a far-too-tight yellow bikini, "I have nothing to say about this." Brent Celek added, "Words fail me... got it? I ain't had a single night's sleep since coach made that call last Monday, man. I keep waking up screaming. I mean dang, man... time to put some time on the thigh-master." There's no love lost between these two clubs. Allen Cummings considered this when he said, "I suppose every league needs a doormat. I feel some degree of scorn for them to be sure, but mostly, I just shake my head and watch them bumble their way from game to game with a sense of detached amusement." In response, the SC coach blathered, "Sheesh... just mentioning their scaly hides makes me feel very unclean. They're wretched, infantile little sewer rats and I don't want to get dragged into a discussion about them. Any other questions? I need to bathe." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||