Boxscore
| Game Summary (Earl Schmidt, NetFL Press) When I was a young lad, I once whacked a fat little leper boy with a baseball bat. My father, as enraged as an elementary school janitor fresh out of Vomit-be-Gone, told me to retrieve our last jar of dried beef. He then shoved me to the dark, dank closet and lectured me on my error in judgement. To this day, I still wet my pants whenever I think of that memory. I bring this up because the similarities between what happened to me then and what happened to TB today are the same. TSI has publically emasculated TB as though they were horses being sent to the glue factory, whipping them by the tune of 43-2 in front of a jeering and hostile crowd. TSI trails the all-time series 14-16 against TB. TSI has a 1-0 regular season record. TB has a 0-1 regular season record. Peyton Manning droned, "The win, see... dat's da importan' thing, peace, bro." When confronted with the reality that they had, in fact, lost, he blushed and added, "Yo man I ain't stupid or nothin'. I ain't talkin' 'bout no darned game... I mean them individual plays. That 3rd and 18 we had in the third quarter? You man, we gained six - count 'em, six yards on that play! That was an awesome end-around, man!" Michael Vick noted, "Oh fo real, man. Ya see, I is da real thing. Dose drops, man. Dat weren't my fault, dawg. Th playa wuz trowing too hard and I run the wrong play jus so's he can't find me. No sense me breakin' my assets, man... No sense me making it on 'Jacked Up' or nothin'. No matter... I be back, bro. Expect numba ME to grab up 60 scores this season, yo. Dem otha's, man? I gonna steal the show. They's amateurs spelt wit a capital E." They were almost perfect on the TSI squad on both sides of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 368 points, 211 on offense and 157 on defense. Matthew Stafford with 53 points on offense and Sam Martin with 25 points on defense were the top scorers. However, they were far from perfect. Said Coach/GM Al Burns, "We had a few breakdowns. . For one, Ronnie Hillman played about as well as a frog pithed by an epileptic first-grader. Stimulus. Response. That's all there is to it. Pavlov had a dog and I've got this idiot. I've noticed that the red tazer in particular gets him ready for the games. As for those DST? They showed their ineptitude by amassing 5 Punt returns defended, 43 Defended punt return yardage, 16.8333 Defended punt return average, 5 Defended kickoff returns, 101 Defended kickoff return yardage, 39.667 Defended kickoff return average instead of playing. Overall though, the Doc's been looking into a revolutionary new surgery - replace his hands with anything - stickum, chicken claws, even bricks would be an improvement. I mean, he drops balls as if they were live ferrets. in this game was Dan Orlovsky. His useless effort yielded precious little to praise. I've come up with a motivational plan for every player I deem to be failing to live up to their potential..." Says Dan Orlovsky, pouring out of a far-too-tight yellow bikini, "I have nothing to say about this." Brandin Cooks added, "Words fail me... got it? I ain't had a single night's sleep since coach made that call last Monday, man. I keep waking up screaming. I mean dang, man... time to put some time on the thigh-master." "Dem's fightin' woids!": Fuel was added to the fire during the two teams' post game news conferences. Al Burns quipped, "I suppose every league needs a doormat. I feel some degree of scorn for them to be sure, but mostly, I just shake my head and watch them bumble their way from game to game with a sense of detached amusement." In response, the TB coach stated, "That owner of theirs kinda reminds me of a Matt Millen and Michael Jackson hybrid... all bluster, melting face, questionable personal tastes... not exactly the kind of person I'd invite to my child's birthday party." | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||