| Off | Def | Total | Score |
|---|
| Away | Happy Valley Cougars | 186 | 93 | 279 | 10 | | Home | Southside Salamanders | 190 | 167 | 357 | 49 |
| Southside Salamanders |
Happy Valley Cougars |
|---|
| I | Ryan Nassib QB NYG | 0 |
| S | Scott Tolzien QB GB | 0 |
| S | Matt Flynn QB GB | 0 |
| I | Eli Manning QB NYG | 0 |
| S | Aaron Rodgers QB GB | 45 |
| S | Scott Wells OC LAR | 8 |
| I | Tim Lelito OC NO | 0 |
| S | James Carpenter OG SEA | 8 |
| I | T.J. Lang OG GB | 0 |
| S | Josh Sitton OG GB | 6 |
| S | Duane Brown OT HOU | 12 |
| S | Riley Reiff OT DET | 4 |
| I | Marcus Cannon OT NE | 0 |
| B | Danny Woodhead RB LAC | 3 |
| B | Lance Dunbar RB DAL | 3 |
| I | Jonathan Grimes RB HOU | 0 |
| B | Benny Cunningham RB LAR | 2 |
| S | Arian Foster RB HOU | 26 |
| S | Jamaal Charles RB KC | 2 |
| B | Marqise Lee WR JAC | 1 |
| I | Davante Adams WR GB | 0 |
| I | Josh Huff WR PHI | 0 |
| S | Markus Wheaton WR PIT | 13 |
| I | Aaron Dobson WR NE | 0 |
| B | Robert Woods WR BUF | 1 |
| B | Rod Streater WR LV | 1 |
| S | Kendall Wright WR TEN | 7 |
| S | Kyle Rudolph TE MIN | 13 |
| I | Brandon Williams TE CAR | 0 |
| B | Jared Cook TE LAR | 5 |
| B | C.J. Fiedorowicz TE HOU | 0 |
| I | Cairo Santos K KC | 0 |
| S | Mason Crosby K GB | 22 |
| S | San Francisco OST SF | 4 |
| S | Brian Robison DE MIN | 3 |
| S | Ryan Kerrigan OLB WAS | 27 |
| S | Mike Daniels DE GB | 10 |
| S | Steve McLendon NT PIT | 7 |
| I | B.J. Raji NT ??? | 0 |
| I | Koa Misi OLB MIA | 0 |
| S | Jacquian Williams OLB NYG | 7 |
| B | Jonathan Massaquoi OLB ATL | 3 |
| I | Danny Trevathan OLB DEN | 0 |
| S | Wesley Woodyard ILB TEN | 7 |
| I | Justin Tuggle ILB HOU | 0 |
| S | Ryan Shazier ILB PIT | 11 |
| B | A.J. Hawk ILB GB | 6 |
| B | Curtis Lofton ILB NO | 5 |
| B | Jason Verrett CB LAC | 4 |
| S | Sam Shields CB GB | 7 |
| I | Casey Hayward CB GB | 0 |
| S | Desmond Trufant CB ATL | 6 |
| B | Dwayne Gratz CB JAC | 4 |
| B | Kyle Fuller CB CHI | 10 |
| B | Mike Adams S IND | 5 |
| B | Ha Ha Clinton-Dix S GB | 2 |
| I | Delano Howell S ??? | 0 |
| S | Eric Berry S KC | 0 |
| I | Reshad Jones S MIA | 0 |
| B | George Iloka S CIN | 9 |
| S | Jimmy Wilson S MIA | 8 |
| I | Tim Masthay P GB | 0 |
| S | Johnny Hekker P LAR | 14 |
| S | Baltimore DST BAL | 12 |
|
| I | Tom Savage QB HOU | 0 |
| I | Ryan Fitzpatrick QB HOU | 0 |
| S | Mark Sanchez QB PHI | 0 |
| I | Ryan Mallett QB HOU | 0 |
| S | Nick Foles QB PHI | 28 |
| S | Matt Barkley QB PHI | 0 |
| S | Jason Kelce OC PHI | 14 |
| I | Jordan Devey OT NE | 0 |
| S | Justin Britt OT SEA | 6 |
| S | Ronald Leary OG DAL | 6 |
| I | Jeff Allen OG KC | 0 |
| I | Josh Kline OG NE | 0 |
| S | Trai Turner OG CAR | 1 |
| I | Bryan Bulaga OT GB | 0 |
| S | Jordan Mills OT CHI | 3 |
| B | Lorenzo Taliaferro RB BAL | 0 |
| I | Denard Robinson WR JAC | 0 |
| B | Isaiah Crowell RB CLE | 2 |
| B | Jerick McKinnon RB MIN | 1 |
| B | Latavius Murray RB LV | 1 |
| I | Chris Polk RB PHI | 0 |
| S | Joique Bell RB DET | 12 |
| I | Donte Moncrief WR IND | 0 |
| I | Josh Gordon WR CLE | 0 |
| I | Denarius Moore WR LV | 0 |
| S | T.Y. Hilton WR IND | 15 |
| B | Jarrett Boykin WR GB | 1 |
| B | Jermaine Kearse WR SEA | 3 |
| S | Terrance Williams WR DAL | 4 |
| S | Jimmy Graham TE NO | 48 |
| S | Luke Willson TE SEA | 10 |
| B | Joseph Fauria TE DET | 2 |
| B | Vance McDonald TE SF | 3 |
| B | Jordan Matthews WR PHI | 1 |
| B | Virgil Green TE DEN | 2 |
| B | Ladarius Green TE LAC | 2 |
| I | Justin Tucker K BAL | 0 |
| S | Cody Parkey K PHI | 16 |
| S | New England OST NE | 5 |
| I | Cincinnati OST CIN | 0 |
| B | Chris McCain LB MIA | 0 |
| B | Courtney Upshaw OLB BAL | 2 |
| S | Haloti Ngata NT BAL | 6 |
| S | Cameron Heyward DE PIT | 6 |
| B | Jeremiah Attaochu LB LAC | 1 |
| S | Chad Greenway OLB MIN | 10 |
| S | Clay Matthews OLB GB | 9 |
| B | Sam Acho OLB ARI | 3 |
| S | Robert Quinn DE LAR | 5 |
| S | Patrick Willis ILB SF | 9 |
| I | Jordan Tripp LB MIA | 0 |
| S | Kevin Minter ILB ARI | 4 |
| S | Mark Barron S LAR | 8 |
| B | Gerald Hodges OLB MIN | 1 |
| B | Christian Kirksey ILB CLE | 2 |
| S | Patrick Peterson CB ARI | 4 |
| S | Aqib Talib CB DEN | 3 |
| S | Morgan Burnett S GB | 13 |
| I | Lamarcus Joyner CB LAR | 0 |
| S | Thomas Morstead P NO | 7 |
| S | Tennessee DST TEN | 0 |
|
| Game Summary (Ralph Jones, NetFL Press)
"You want fries with that?" Yep, we'll be hearing that from Mark Sanchez in the near-future after this week's performance. After a time, I began to play a game, counting the seconds between mistakes, waiting with giddy excitement while seeing that head coach of theirs as angered as an environmentalist stuck in a room full of Bolivian slash-n-burn agriculturalists.
And so now it stands that SRS leads the all-time series 25-1 against HVC. SRS has a 2-0 regular season record. HVC has a 0-2 regular season record. The latest (what I shall laughingly call a) contest saw SRS overwhelming HVC like a mink that suddenly finds that a family of mice has taken up residence in her den 49-10 in front of a jeering and hostile crowd.
They were almost perfect on the SRS squad on both sides of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 357 points, 190 on offense and 167 on defense. Aaron Rodgers with 45 points on offense and Ryan Kerrigan with 27 points on defense were the top scorers. Mistakes dampened the mood around the locker room somewhat. Said Coach/GM Allen Cummings, "We have to get a lot better next week.. For one, Steve McLendon played about as well as a frog pithed by an epileptic first-grader. Medically speaking, his body should be donated to science, there's so much wrong with him. At least, that's gotta be the case given the number of plays he likes to take off . As for those OST? They showed all the football grace of ballerinas as they filled the record book with 5 Punt return, 66 Punt return yardage, 13.2 Punt return average, 3 Kickoff returns, 57 Kickoff return yardage, 19 Kickoff return average throughout the course of their pitiful performance. Overall though, the as voted on by his teammates, the most worthless player in this game was Matt Flynn. His wretched effort yielded a resigned sigh from his teammates.
"Dem's fightin' woids!": Fuel was added to the fire during the two teams' post game news conferences. Allen Cummings whined, "Every neighborhood has the story about that crazy old man who chases the neighborhood children off his property with a rake... pretty harmless and a bit pitiable... kinda reminds me of our erstwhile opponents there." In response, the HVC coach exclaimed, "Like 'em? No... not really. I'd rather strangle puppies in front of a dozen orphans than pull that wretched owner of theirs out of a burning building." |
