Boxscore
| Game Summary (Earl Schmidt, NetFL Press) When I was a young lad, I once whacked a fat little leper boy with a baseball bat. My father, as enraged as an elementary school janitor fresh out of Vomit-be-Gone, told me to retrieve our last jar of dried beef. He then pulled me to the dentist office and authored a novel on corporal punishment. The scars of that memory live on today. I bring this up because the similarities between what happened to me then and what happened to DH today are the same. SP has senselessly deluged DH like a mink that suddenly finds that a family of mice has taken up residence in her den, bludgeoning them by the tune of 83-44 in front of a jeering and hostile crowd. SP trails the all-time series 5-33 against DH. SP has a 1-2 regular season record. DH has a 1-2 regular season record. Tom Brady waxed poetic, stating, "At least we weren't as bad as those '02 Flathead Cats... Yo, I'm trying to put a positive spin on this if you catch my drift. Gosh... we're hopeless." Brett Kern whined, "I'm very disappointed in myself, the way I played as one of the 60 leaders on this football team. It starts with me watching someone get the ball into the hands of the right guy and watch him making the plays... cheering on the others making the tackles... I did that. That falls on me. We're not going to win football games if they don't do their part." Things went very well for the SP squad particularly on the offensive side of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 373 points, 273 on offense and 100 on defense. Colin Kaepernick with 50 points on offense and Demario Davis with 18 points on defense were the top scorers. Things were not all roses, however. Said Coach/GM Michael Sutanto, "There were some mental breakdowns on both sides of the ball.. For one, Akiem Hicks was as sharp as a sponge today. Doc says that he secretes some sort of viscous slime from his arms when he gets hot. This in turn makes the ball, his uniform, his hands, whatever - kinda slick. If you look at many of his 3789 miscues over the year, you can see that often times, nobody even touches him and he falls down, the ball slips out of his hands, or he misfires on a play. As for those DST? They showed all the football grace of ballerinas as they filled the record book with 4 Punt returns defended, 44 Defended punt return yardage, 11 Defended punt return average while taking the day off. Overall though, the as voted on by his teammates, the most worthless player in this game was Charlie Whitehurst. His useless effort yielded precious little to praise. Some players need a bit more instruction than others. I've tried a few less orthodox teaching tools from time to time..." Says Charlie Whitehurst, pouring out of a far-too-tight yellow bikini, "I have nothing to say about this." Alshon Jeffery added, "Words fail me... got it? I ain't had a single night's sleep since coach made that call last Monday, man. I keep waking up screaming. I mean dang, man... time to put some time on the thigh-master." Though the game was already decided on the field, apparently neither team was done. Michael Sutanto shot, "Like 'em? No... not really. I'd rather strangle puppies in front of a dozen orphans than pull that wretched owner of theirs out of a burning building." In response, the DH coach considered this when he said, "Gosh... why are you even wasting my time looking for a comment about them? They're kinda like cockroaches - to be sure, they occasionally crawl out of the woodwork to be seen by all, but usually, they're lurking somewhere out of sight." | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||