Boxscore
| Game Summary (Earl Schmidt, NetFL Press) When I was a young lad, I once electrocuted the dog with a toaster. My father, as angered as an environmentalist stuck in a room full of Bolivian slash-n-burn agriculturalists, told me to retrieve a kipper snack. He then thrust me to the dark, dank closet and taught me the meaning of life. Even now, twenty-six years later, the terror of that day lives on. I bring this up because the similarities between what happened to me then and what happened to OA today are the same. TSI has senselessly deluged OA like a mink that suddenly finds that a family of mice has taken up residence in her den, maiming their egos by the tune of 43-33 in front of a despondent home crowd. TSI is all knotted up in the all-time series 4-4 against OA. TSI has a 6-2 regular season record. OA has a 3-5 regular season record. Brian Hoyer noted, "To say that we stunk would be unfair to skunks and unwashed monks, man. We were awful today! Do you see us getting any better in time for the next game, 'cause I sure don't. The guys played with no fire, the coaching was flat, and the playcalling was atrocious. Our execution? Yeah, I'm for it." Max Unger whined, "I'm very disappointed in myself, the way I played as one of the 60 leaders on this football team. It starts with me watching someone get the ball into the hands of the right guy and watch him making the plays... cheering on the others making the tackles... I did that. That falls on me. We're not going to win football games if they don't do their part." They were almost perfect on the TSI squad on both sides of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 369 points, 240 on offense and 129 on defense. Jeremy Maclin with 50 points on offense and Justin Durant with 14 points on defense were the top scorers. Things were not all roses, however. Said Coach/GM Al Burns, "There were some mental breakdowns on both sides of the ball.. For one, Kelechi Osemele was clearly showing some ill-effects from his intestinal parasite. Doc says that if he spent a little more time working off the flubber in his midsection than 'clubbing' and getting fat on the buck-a-bucket combo at the KFC, well, his medical list wouldn't read like a copy of 'War and Peace'. Back in my day, 'clubbing' was something untoward that you did to baby seals . As for those DT? They showed all the football grace of ballerinas as they filled the record book with 3 Tackles, 1 Assists, .5 Sacks over the course of the contest. Overall though, the the most incompetant player in this game was Dan Orlovsky. His hideous effort yielded a venom-filled snarl of anger from his position coach. Some players need a bit more instruction than others. I've tried a few less orthodox teaching tools from time to time..." Says Dan Orlovsky, sporting a nice lace evening gown, "Ya, coach says I played like a little girl so I might as well dress the part. I hafta practice in this thing. He calls me the fairy princess. Man, I'm callin my agent. This ain't parta the deal." Roy Helu added, "Shoot... he should know he can't fit in no D-cup! I tell ya, he looked like some sort of demented, bloated Valkyrie... Man... brings new meaning to the phrase 'when the fat lady sings.' " Though the game was already decided on the field, apparently neither team was done. Al Burns gurgled, "They stink, not in that 'festering sewage inside a porta-potty next to a dead, bloated cow floating in a culvert' way, but more in the 'the Vienna Boy's Choir has more football talent' way." In response, the OA coach considered this when he said, "Well, there's murderers, rapists, boy bands, and then there's that owner of theirs... Which is worst? Hard to tell sometimes." | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||