| Off | Def | Total | Score |
|---|
| Away | Rock N Rollers | 112 | 82 | 194 | 19 | | Home | Oakland Assassins | 186 | 74 | 260 | 52 |
| Oakland Assassins |
Rock N Rollers |
|---|
| I | Johnny Manziel QB CLE | 0 |
| I | Alex Tanney QB ??? | 0 |
| S | Matt Ryan QB ATL | 33 |
| I | Brian Hoyer QB CLE | 0 |
| S | T.J. Yates QB ATL | 0 |
| S | Sean Renfree QB ATL | 0 |
| S | Max Unger OC SEA | 19 |
| S | Luke Bowanko OL JAC | 7 |
| I | Kory Lichtensteiger OC WAS | 0 |
| I | Dan Connolly OG NE | 0 |
| I | Matt Slauson OG CHI | 0 |
| I | Josh Kline OG NE | 0 |
| S | Jermon Bushrod OT CHI | 2 |
| I | King Dunlap OT LAC | 0 |
| S | Jason Peters OT PHI | 8 |
| B | Jonathan Stewart RB CAR | 5 |
| I | Silas Redd RB WAS | 0 |
| B | Christine Michael RB SEA | 2 |
| I | Stevan Ridley RB NE | 0 |
| B | James Starks RB GB | 0 |
| S | Darren McFadden RB LV | 8 |
| B | Justin Blackmon WR ??? | 0 |
| B | James Jones WR LV | 3 |
| S | Dez Bryant WR DAL | 37 |
| B | Kenny Britt WR LAR | 2 |
| B | Vance McDonald TE SF | 2 |
| S | Luke Willson TE SEA | 20 |
| B | Eric Ebron TE DET | 0 |
| I | Dennis Pitta TE BAL | 0 |
| S | Jordan Cameron TE CLE | 0 |
| S | Travis Kelce TE KC | 13 |
| I | Jordan Reed TE WAS | 0 |
| B | Crockett Gillmore TE BAL | 3 |
| S | Phil Dawson K SF | 11 |
| I | Ryan Succop K TEN | 0 |
| S | Atlanta OST ATL | 7 |
| B | Cornelius Carradine DL SF | 1 |
| S | Damontre Moore DE NYG | 0 |
| B | Dion Jordan DE MIA | 2 |
| B | Aldon Smith OLB SF | 0 |
| S | Jurrell Casey NT TEN | 6 |
| I | Everson Griffen DE MIN | 0 |
| I | Bjoern Werner OLB IND | 0 |
| S | James-Michael Johnson ILB KC | 6 |
| I | Rob Ninkovich DE NE | 0 |
| B | Terrell Suggs OLB BAL | 5 |
| I | Keenan Robinson ILB WAS | 0 |
| S | Jason Pierre-Paul DE NYG | 10 |
| S | Karlos Dansby ILB CLE | 8 |
| I | DeMeco Ryans ILB PHI | 0 |
| S | Sio Moore OLB LV | 9 |
| S | Tahir Whitehead OLB DET | 3 |
| I | Zach Brown ILB TEN | 0 |
| I | Kyle Arrington CB NE | 0 |
| I | A.J. Bouye DB HOU | 0 |
| S | Johnthan Banks CB TB | 10 |
| I | David Amerson CB WAS | 0 |
| B | Roman Harper S CAR | 2 |
| I | D.J. Swearinger S HOU | 0 |
| S | Johnathan Cyprien S JAC | 5 |
| S | Kenny Vaccaro S NO | 3 |
| S | Marquette King P LV | 4 |
| I | Tress Way P WAS | 0 |
| S | Kansas City DST KC | 0 |
|
| S | Jason Campbell QB CIN | 3 |
| S | AJ McCarron QB CIN | 0 |
| I | Christian Ponder QB MIN | 0 |
| I | Matt Cassel QB MIN | 0 |
| S | Andy Dalton QB CIN | -17 |
| I | Teddy Bridgewater QB MIN | 0 |
| S | Weston Richburg OC NYG | 9 |
| I | Daniel Kilgore OC SF | 0 |
| I | John Sullivan OC MIN | 0 |
| S | Jon Asamoah OG ATL | 9 |
| I | Justin Pugh OT NYG | 0 |
| I | Kyle Long OG CHI | 0 |
| S | Marshal Yanda OG BAL | 9 |
| I | Paul Fanaika OG ARI | 0 |
| S | Lane Johnson OT PHI | 8 |
| S | Branden Albert OT MIA | 1 |
| B | Antone Smith RB ATL | 0 |
| B | Chris Johnson RB NYJ | 1 |
| S | Devonta Freeman RB ATL | 4 |
| B | Storm Johnson RB JAC | 0 |
| I | Jonas Gray RB NE | 0 |
| B | Jeremy Kerley WR NYJ | 0 |
| S | Torrey Smith WR BAL | 20 |
| B | Marques Colston WR NO | 2 |
| I | Julian Edelman WR NE | 0 |
| S | Cecil Shorts WR JAC | 19 |
| S | Mike Evans WR TB | 29 |
| I | Rhett Ellison TE MIN | 0 |
| I | Timothy Wright TE NE | 0 |
| I | Michael Hoomanawanui TE NE | 0 |
| S | Lance Kendricks TE LAR | 8 |
| B | Tyler Eifert TE CIN | 0 |
| I | Randy Bullock K HOU | 0 |
| S | Graham Gano K CAR | 7 |
| S | New York (A) OST NYJ | 0 |
| I | Jason Hatcher DE WAS | 0 |
| S | Michael Johnson DE TB | 0 |
| B | Andre Branch DE JAC | 0 |
| S | Kyle Williams DT BUF | 7 |
| B | Henry Melton DT DAL | 2 |
| S | Dwan Edwards DT CAR | 2 |
| I | Casey Walker DT BAL | 0 |
| S | DeMarcus Ware DE DEN | 4 |
| S | Tamba Hali OLB KC | 2 |
| I | Chad Greenway OLB MIN | 0 |
| S | Telvin Smith OLB JAC | 4 |
| B | LaRoy Reynolds MLB JAC | 1 |
| S | James Laurinaitis MLB LAR | 4 |
| B | Malcolm Smith OLB SEA | 0 |
| B | Philip Wheeler OLB MIA | 1 |
| S | Buster Skrine CB CLE | 17 |
| S | Tramon Williams CB GB | 1 |
| B | Brandon Carr CB DAL | 4 |
| B | Richard Sherman CB SEA | 2 |
| I | Marcus Gilchrist S LAC | 0 |
| B | Da'Norris Searcy S BUF | 2 |
| S | Jimmie Ward S SF | 2 |
| I | Bernard Pollard S TEN | 0 |
| S | James Ihedigbo S DET | 18 |
| S | Chris Jones P DAL | 9 |
| I | Steve Weatherford P NYG | 0 |
| I | Houston DST HOU | 0 |
|
| Game Summary (Ralph Jones, NetFL Press)
Mike Evans noted, "We had a chance at the beginning, man. We hung in there through the opening kickoff. We fought, but after that, we just didn't get her done. It's a bit disappointing, to be sure." Well no kidding, Einstein. RNR was bad. Awful. Grotesque. An embarrassment to the league, I dare say. Yikes! RNR has just completed a game in which they, proverbially speaking, ate my sister's homework. To point fingers after this debacle would be unfair given that this most assuredly was a team effort - and that's the only positive spin I can put on the game.
So now the series stands OA leads the all-time series 13-1 against RNR. OA has a 4-6 regular season record. RNR has a 3-7 regular season record. The latest (what I shall laughingly call a) contest saw OA has staggered RNR as though they were horses being sent to the glue factory 52-19 in front of a jeering and hostile crowd.
Things went very well for the OA squad particularly on the offensive side of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 260 points, 186 on offense and 74 on defense. Dez Bryant with 37 points on offense and Jason Pierre-Paul with 10 points on defense were the top scorers. All that aside, Don't Euthanize After Disaster award - given to one blundering fool each week - was really difficult to decide on this go around. I promise the poor slob that I won't be taking away his livelihood. This week, the DEAD man of the game goes to T.J. Yates. I've come up with a
motivational plan for every player I deem to be failing to live up to their potential..."
Says T.J. Yates, dragging around a cart full of dirty laundry, "Coach says he'll find a use for me in this system if it kills us both. Yo, just gimme a little slack, man. But this, goin' from starter not even to the bench... I'm bein' disrespected!"
Ryan Succop added, "I ain't sayin' nothin'... OK, maybe just a little. Dude's even worse here than on the field. Starching everyone's straps? Using so much bleach it dissolves the danged cotton? I'm almost at the point where I want to go into Coach's doghouse just so I can get some properly handled laundry!"
Though the game was already decided on the field, apparently neither team was done. Adam Murgittroyd blathered, "Nah, I don't have anything against them. They're kinda like little bunnies or maybe pop warner rejects.... kinda cute and all, but pretty impotent when it comes to football." In response, the RNR coach quipped, "That owner of theirs kinda reminds me of a Matt Millen and Michael Jackson hybrid... all bluster, melting face, questionable personal tastes... not exactly the kind of person I'd invite to my child's birthday party." |
