Boxscore
| Game Summary (Earl Schmidt, NetFL Press) When I was a young lad, I once convinced my cousin to join the circus. My father, as angered as an environmentalist stuck in a room full of Bolivian slash-n-burn agriculturalists, told me to retrieve our self-help electroshock therapy kit. He then ordered me behind the shed and taught me the meaning of life. Even now, I still black out at the mere mention of that place. I bring this up because the similarities between what happened to me then and what happened to TH today are the same. TB has feasted upon TH as though they were palace eunuchs in a wrestling match, overcoming their foes by the tune of 53-38 in front of a despondent home crowd. TB leads the all-time series 24-16 against TH. TB has a 5-7 regular season record. TH has a 4-8 regular season record. Demaryius Thomas waxed poetic, stating, "It's rough, ya know... When coach picked me up, I knew I was fated for misery. I mean, I find myself entrenched on the roster of the league punching bag." Matt Hasselbeck groaned, "No comment." When pressed, he added, "Get out of my face, man... I don't want to get fined for shoving that there microphone in a deep, dark crevass on your person if you catch my drift." Things went very well for the TB squad particularly on the offensive side of the ball last week as they racked up a combined 306 points, 203 on offense and 103 on defense. Peyton Manning with 57 points on offense and Paul Kruger with 13 points on defense were the top scorers. Things were not all roses, however. Said Coach/GM Tim Marshall, "There were some mental breakdowns on both sides of the ball.. For one, Sharrif Floyd performed like a spasmodic violinist. Doc says that he's gotten much better since he's started the electroshock therapy... something about frontal lobes and things with molecular structures. It all sounded very clinical to me, but as long as it keeps him on the field, I'm all for it. As for those DST? They were utterly incompetent, gaining 1 Punt returns defended, 17 Defended punt return yardage, 17 Defended punt return average, 2 Defended kickoff returns, 40 Defended kickoff return yardage, 20 Defended kickoff return average instead of playing. Overall though, the team goat in this game was Michael Vick. His nasty effort yielded as many positives as a hydrogen ion. Some players need a bit more instruction than others. I've tried a few less orthodox teaching tools from time to time..." Says Michael Vick, dragging around a cart full of dirty laundry, "Coach says he'll find a use for me in this system if it kills us both. Yo, just gimme a little slack, man. But this, goin' from starter not even to the bench... I'm bein' disrespected!" Ryan Allen added, "I ain't sayin' nothin'... OK, maybe just a little. Dude's even worse here than on the field. Starching everyone's straps? Using so much bleach it dissolves the danged cotton? I'm almost at the point where I want to go into Coach's doghouse just so I can get some properly handled laundry!" Though the game was already decided on the field, apparently neither team was done. Tim Marshall groaned, "He and his lecherous team of cub scouts have all the football grace of a French eunuch trying to ride a bull suffering from mad cow's disease while reciting the Gettysburg Address." In response, the TH coach noted, "Gosh... why are you even wasting my time looking for a comment about them? They're kinda like cockroaches - to be sure, they occasionally crawl out of the woodwork to be seen by all, but usually, they're lurking somewhere out of sight." | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||